Sarcastathon 3000


[Pizza Forest. Daria and Jane are dressed up in the goofy animal costumes worn by Pizza Forest employees. Daria is in a skunk costume while Jane is dressed as a fox.]

Daria: Hello, and welcome to the official kickoff of Daria Sarcastathon 3000. The re-run fest for the next millennium.

Jane: Hours and hours of your favorite Daria episodes. A very special retrospective all about life, love and laughter.

Daria: But most of all, about human dignity.

Jane: Mm. Is my tail on straight?

Daria: Let us turn our attention now to the episode that started it all, in which a young girl, fresh-faced and dewey-eyed comes to a new town, full of hopes and dreams.

Jane: We're showing the "Felicity" pilot?

Daria: No, no, no. The very first half-hour of "Daria" -- "Esteemsters."


[Coffee house. Daria and Jane are dressed as beatnicks. They are both wearing berets. Daria is holding a set of bongos while Jane carries a copy of the book "Howl."]

Daria: You are watching Sarcastathon 3000. The Daria retrospective they said couldn't be done. Or was that "shouldn't"?

Jane: Oh, my, America. Beware of the pin-striped jackal commerce, jaws a-drip with commercial breaks, burying the rotting carcass of my beatific vision under the maggot-ridden piles of "Road Rules" re-runs.

Daria: Who's hungry?

Jane: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Wait a minute. My generation has no best minds.

Daria: What about Christina Aguilera?

Jane: Oops. Spoke too soon.

Daria: I dig. Here's "Cafe Disaffecto."


[Child's room. Daria and Jane are dressed up as little kids. Daria has her hair in pigtails and is holding a lollipop. Jane has a bow in her hair and has a teddy bear under one arm.]

Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.

Daria: The place where alienated, resentful kids rule.

Jane: Now let's regress to "Pinch Sitter," the show where Daria and I babysit some underage automatons.

Daria: A job not dissimilar to that of programming MTV.

Jane: Except you don't have to go on asinine countryside retreats where you and your colleagues make nice to pretend you're not all competing for the same job.

Daria: Or squander reams of paper every week sending memos to your boss about what a fantastic job you're doing.

Jane: Or wake up at 3am in a cold sweat, obsessing about how you got scooped by "Entertainment Tonight" on the story of Eminem's lost Post-Its.

Daria: On the other hand, babysitting pays less than being an MTV exec.

Jane: Way, way less.

Daria: (bt) Hmm. Jane, take a memo.


[Daria and Jane are dressed up as rock stars. Jane is holding a guitar and wearing sunglasses. Daria has pink hair and is holding a microphone. There is a large concert stage in the background.]

Jane: Yo, people! Let's give it up for the next episode of Sarcastathon 3000. Yeah!

Daria: This one's for you, America.

Jane: Well, that's enough of that crap. Our next offering is "Road Worrier."

Daria: Again?

Jane: It's a regular "Highway to Humiliation" when Daria and I hitch a ride to the Alternapalooza festival with Trent and Jesse.

Daria: Why do we have to show this one over and over?

Jane: Daria did all her own stunts, including being stung by a bee, sitting on a sandwich, and going to the bathroom on the side of the road.

Daria: Speaking of bodily functions, do these pants have a zipper? (bt) Wardrobe!

Jane: Scissors?


[Forest background. Daria and Jane are dressed as fairy-like creatures -- Daria with large wings and a wand, and Jane with antenna and a flute.]

Daria: You are still watching Sarcastathon 3000.

Jane: Our next spritely episode is "The Teachings of Don Jake."

Daria: Oh, puckish elf, 'tis this the one whence I go camping with my family?

Jane: Yea verily, this 'tis. And 'twas from whence the "B" story cometh wherein Trent and I attendeth the family reunion.

Daria: Foresooth, such merry antics do most assuredly amuse.

Jane: Pray thee, maiden, why are we dress-e-thed in these ridiculous outfits? Remindeth me.

Daria: Why, to ropeth our audience into watching episodes they've already seen.

Jane: Ah. What fools these mortals be.


[Eerie cemetary, nighttime. Daria and Jane are dressed in goth attire. Daria is holding a skull and Jane appears to be petting a bat.]

Daria: And now Sarcastathon 3000 pays a visit to the dark side. Join us as we journey deep into the woods.

Jane: To knock upon the forbidding door of a dank, gloomy cottage perched on the edge of a black, fetid lake.

Daria: A cottage smelling faintly but unmistakably of death.

Jane: We knock.

Daria: The door creaks slowly open.

Jane: (perky) Hello! Would you like to buy a subscription to "TV Guide" so the Junior chorus can visit Disney World?

Daria: You really are a mood killer, aren't you?

Jane: And speaking of mood killers, here's our big finale from way back in Season One -- "The Misery Chick."


[Artist's studio. Daria is behind a large screen, apparently nude, while Jane stands beside her in painter's smock, holding a pallette.]

Daria: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000. Is it cold in here?

Jane: Come on out, Daria. The cartoon body is nothing to be ashamed of.

Daria: If I come out, it's just gonna feed those rumors about us.

Jane: Hmm, wouldn't want to do that. Ok, then. I'll just do this nude painting of you from memory.

Daria: What's with this stupid set-up, anyway?

Jane: We're introducing our Season Two opener, "Arts 'N Crass." The one about the painting.

Daria: Was it a nude painting?

Jane: No.

Daria: Was it a painting of me?

Jane: No.

Daria: Then what the Hell am I doing standing here getting frostbite?

Jane: Well, ratings have been down a bit, and we had a meeting and thought, you know, spice up the show a little!

Daria: Meeting? Where was I?

Jane: Roll tape!


[Church. Daria is wearing a wedding dress while Jane wears a tux and is holding a wedding ring.]

Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.

Daria: Hmm. This is not exactly how I pictured my wedding.

Jane: You? I thought at my wedding I'd at least get to be the bride.

Daria: Stop complaining. They threw you a bachelor party, didn't they?

Jane: True. Anyway, our next offering is "I Don't," wherein Daria here attends the nuptuals of her cousin Erin.

Daria: It was a fairy tale wedding. Unfortunately, no one was eaten by the Big Bad Wolf.

Jane: If anyone here knows a reason why this episode should not be aired, speak now or forever hold your peace. (bt) Okey-doke! Let's go.

Daria: You rented the Rolls to take us to the reception, right?

Jane: Yes, Dear.


[Piercing/tattoo parlor. Daria and Jane are covered in piercings and tattoos, and are dressed in typical grunge attire.]

Daria: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000, where those who forget the past are doomed to watch repeats of it.

Jane: Not repeats. Encore performances.

Daria: Very special encore performances. And this time, it's personal.

Jane: Oh, looky, next up is "Pierce Me," where Daria gets to spend some quality with my brother, Trent.

Daria: Who taught me how to set myself apart from the herd by punching holes in my skin like everyone else.

Jane: Hey, whatever happened to your very special feelings for Trent?

Daria: Like tattoos, those feelings were painful to acquire and sure to embarrass me in my old age.

Jane: (grins) Tattoos are permanent, Daria.

Daria: Oh, please.


[Old-fashioned backstage dressing room. Daria is in a bright blue suit with a matching top hat. Jane is dressed as a typical showgirl, complete with large feather head-piece and gaudy jewelry.]

Daria: We're in the final stretch of Sarcastathon 3000, also known as look back in irritation.

Jane: It's time for "Daria!" the musical, and I'm 'a gettin' the urge to hoof.

Daria: Jane, you know we can't dance. That would require animation.

Jane: God, they're so cheap here, it's a wonder they're letting us move our lips.

Daria: (lips not moving) Don't give them any ideas.


[The mall. Daria and Jane are dressed as giant peanuts. They're each holding a small container of nuts.]

Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000, where we're feeling kind of...nutty!

Daria: Our next episode is "It Happened One Nut." Hence the incredibly humiliating get-ups.

Jane: Oh, come on Daria. Where's your usual dry-roasted sense of humor?

Daria: If you make some dumbass remark about coming out of my shell, I'm walking.

Jane: Hey, don't get all worked up. I'm in this thing, too.

Daria: I guess that's true. (bt) What?

Jane: Almond this thing too.

Daria: Could someone get my agent on the phone?


[Fancy ballroom. Daria is dressed in a top hat and tails, while Jane is wearing a ball gown and holding a fan. She looks like she's in pain. *note* Some of the dialog is missing, due to technical difficulties that occurred when this sketch aired.]

Daria: Journey into the past... (missing dialog) ...Jane, how shall we introduce our next episode?

Jane: Can't talk. 18-inch waist.

Daria: In this show, "Daria Dance Party," Jane and I actually attend a social function.

Jane: Losing consciousness.

Daria: Don't do that. There's no money in the animation budget for fainting.

Jane: Feeling better. Gaining strength.

Daria: Here's "Daria Dance Party."


[An alien planet with Earth visible in the background. Daria and Jane are dressed as aliens and are both weilding ray guns.]

Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.

Daria: People of earth, prepare to bow down before our invincible irony and sarcasm.

Jane: Surrender your pizza or face the unstoppable onslaught of our trenchant wit. Nah, just kidding. We come in peace.

Daria: Speak for yourself.

Jane: This next show is "The Lawndale Files," and it's a frightful tail of suspicion and paranoia.

Daria: So if, like me, your biggest regret is being born too late for the Nixon years, here's the next best thing.

Jane: Enjoy.

Daria: For tomorrow, you become our slaves.


[Long stretch of road and open country, complete with cactus and tumbleweed. Jane and Daria are dressed in western wear, complete with chaps, cowboy hats, and bandanas.]

Daria: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.

Jane: Howdy, pardners. Lay out your bedroll and rustle up some grub, 'cuz we got some crazy goin's on a' comin' at ya faster than a doggie runnin' from the red hot brandin' iron.

Daria: Have you gone completely mad?

Jane: Come on, Daria. Get on the western tip.

Daria: Umm...I've got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle?

Jane: No, no, no. Watch me. Next up is "Speedtrapped," where yours truly, Calamity Jane Lane, saddles up for adventure in cowboy country and ends up lassoin' m'self a mighty heap full o' trouble. (bt) Alrighty. (bt) You betcha. (bt) Yippee-i-o-

Daria: Alright!


[A large parade float on the street. Daria is dressed in a blue and yellow band uniform and is holding a tuba. Jane is dressed in a drum major outfit and is carrying a baton.]

Jane: Strike up the band and shout "Hip Hooray!" Sarcastathon 3000 continues.

Daria: I asked for a piccolo.

Jane: This next episode is "I Loathe a Parade," and although I don't want to give anything away, let's just say it explores issues of loyalty and trust. (bt, glance at Daria) I told you, I'm over it.

Daria: Then can you put that baton down, please?


[The bedroom of an anonymous house. There is a sleeping bag on the floor. Daria is wearing, clutching a pillow. Jane is wearing a short nightgown and is carrying a bowl of popcorn.]

Jane: Don't touch that cable remote. It's Sarcastathon 3000.

Daria: How's that popcorn?

Jane: Beats me. I'm stuck in this idiotic slumber party pose while you explain how it relates to the upcoming episode.

Daria: Well, let's see, in "Of Human Bonding," I grow a little closer to my father as a direct result of avoiding my sister.

Jane: What the Hell does that have to do with me in a nighty?

Daria: Is that real butter?

Jane: We aren't even real people.


[The gates of Heaven. Jane and Daria are, of course, dressed as angels. White robes, halos, harps...the whole nine yards.]

Jane: There's more of Sarcastathon 3000 on the horizon.

Daria: Pray tell, what's next?

Jane: It's time to get "Groped by an Angel," our exploration of the mystical side of life.

Daria: Here I grapple with challenges to my skeptical world view.

Jane: So, what are you? True believer? Athiest? Agnostic?

Daria: Let's just say I'm not sure I'd want to join any religion that would have me as a member.

Dye! Dye! My Darling!:

[Hair salon. Jane has spikey orange hair and Daria has bright pink hair.]

Jane: Wow! We've made it to the last episode in our Sarcastathon 3000 marathon.

Daria: I think my brain is fried.

Jane: That's from the double processed color.

Daria: Speaking of which, here's the final episode of our fourth season, "Dye! Dye! My Darling!" where you could say that things come to a head between Jane and me.

Jane: But we've worked it out, and now I'm once again friends with this (hair dryer noises) to my left.

Daria: Righty-o, you (hair dryer noises).


[The exterior of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane look like they've been through Hell. Their faces are dirty, clothes are wrinkled and hair is dishevelled.]

Jane: We've come to the end of Sarcastathon 3000, and I for one am quite glad we're back to normal.

Daria: Normal?

Jane: And now, believe it or not, something you haven't seen before. A season premiere, as it were.

Daria: Coming right up, the first episode of "Daria" season five, "Fizz Ed," another deep, deep saga in the "Daria" tradition you've come to cherish.

Jane: A story of right and wrong. Good and evil. The profound and fundamental moral issues of life.

Daria: Because my friends, we are nothing if not deep. (bt) I'm pretty sure my boots are on the wrong feet.

Jane: Do you think I should change my look?