[Pizza Forest. Daria and Jane are dressed up in the goofy animal costumes worn by Pizza Forest employees. Daria is in a skunk costume while Jane is dressed as a fox.]
Daria: Hello, and welcome to the official kickoff of Daria Sarcastathon 3000. The re-run fest for the next millennium.
Jane: Hours and hours of your favorite Daria episodes. A very special retrospective all about life, love and laughter.
Daria: But most of all, about human dignity.
Jane: Mm. Is my tail on straight?
Daria: Let us turn our attention now to the episode that started it all, in which a young girl, fresh-faced and dewey-eyed comes to a new town, full of hopes and dreams.
Jane: We're showing the "Felicity" pilot?
Daria: No, no, no. The very first half-hour of "Daria" -- "Esteemsters."
[Coffee house. Daria and Jane are dressed as beatnicks. They are both wearing berets. Daria is holding a set of bongos while Jane carries a copy of the book "Howl."]
Daria: You are watching Sarcastathon 3000. The Daria retrospective they said couldn't be done. Or was that "shouldn't"?
Jane: Oh, my, America. Beware of the pin-striped jackal commerce, jaws a-drip with commercial breaks, burying the rotting carcass of my beatific vision under the maggot-ridden piles of "Road Rules" re-runs.
Daria: Who's hungry?
Jane: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Wait a minute. My generation has no best minds.
Daria: What about Christina Aguilera?
Jane: Oops. Spoke too soon.
Daria: I dig. Here's "Cafe Disaffecto."
[Child's room. Daria and Jane are dressed up as little kids. Daria has her hair in pigtails and is holding a lollipop. Jane has a bow in her hair and has a teddy bear under one arm.]
Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.
Daria: The place where alienated, resentful kids rule.
Jane: Now let's regress to "Pinch Sitter," the show where Daria and I babysit some underage automatons.
Daria: A job not dissimilar to that of programming MTV.
Jane: Except you don't have to go on asinine countryside retreats where you and your colleagues make nice to pretend you're not all competing for the same job.
Daria: Or squander reams of paper every week sending memos to your boss about what a fantastic job you're doing.
Jane: Or wake up at 3am in a cold sweat, obsessing about how you got scooped by "Entertainment Tonight" on the story of Eminem's lost Post-Its.
Daria: On the other hand, babysitting pays less than being an MTV exec.
Jane: Way, way less.
Daria: (bt) Hmm. Jane, take a memo.
[Daria and Jane are dressed up as rock stars. Jane is holding a guitar and wearing sunglasses. Daria has pink hair and is holding a microphone. There is a large concert stage in the background.]
Jane: Yo, people! Let's give it up for the next episode of Sarcastathon 3000. Yeah!
Daria: This one's for you, America.
Jane: Well, that's enough of that crap. Our next offering is "Road Worrier."
Jane: It's a regular "Highway to Humiliation" when Daria and I hitch a ride to the Alternapalooza festival with Trent and Jesse.
Daria: Why do we have to show this one over and over?
Jane: Daria did all her own stunts, including being stung by a bee, sitting on a sandwich, and going to the bathroom on the side of the road.
Daria: Speaking of bodily functions, do these pants have a zipper? (bt) Wardrobe!
THE TEACHINGS OF DON JAKE:
[Forest background. Daria and Jane are dressed as fairy-like creatures -- Daria with large wings and a wand, and Jane with antenna and a flute.]
Daria: You are still watching Sarcastathon 3000.
Jane: Our next spritely episode is "The Teachings of Don Jake."
Daria: Oh, puckish elf, 'tis this the one whence I go camping with my family?
Jane: Yea verily, this 'tis. And 'twas from whence the "B" story cometh wherein Trent and I attendeth the family reunion.
Daria: Foresooth, such merry antics do most assuredly amuse.
Jane: Pray thee, maiden, why are we dress-e-thed in these ridiculous outfits? Remindeth me.
Daria: Why, to ropeth our audience into watching episodes they've already seen.
Jane: Ah. What fools these mortals be.
THE MISERY CHICK:
[Eerie cemetary, nighttime. Daria and Jane are dressed in goth attire. Daria is holding a skull and Jane appears to be petting a bat.]
Daria: And now Sarcastathon 3000 pays a visit to the dark side. Join us as we journey deep into the woods.
Jane: To knock upon the forbidding door of a dank, gloomy cottage perched on the edge of a black, fetid lake.
Daria: A cottage smelling faintly but unmistakably of death.
Jane: We knock.
Daria: The door creaks slowly open.
Jane: (perky) Hello! Would you like to buy a subscription to "TV Guide" so the Junior chorus can visit Disney World?
Daria: You really are a mood killer, aren't you?
Jane: And speaking of mood killers, here's our big finale from way back in Season One -- "The Misery Chick."
ARTS 'N CRASS:
[Artist's studio. Daria is behind a large screen, apparently nude, while Jane stands beside her in painter's smock, holding a pallette.]
Daria: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000. Is it cold in here?
Jane: Come on out, Daria. The cartoon body is nothing to be ashamed of.
Daria: If I come out, it's just gonna feed those rumors about us.
Jane: Hmm, wouldn't want to do that. Ok, then. I'll just do this nude painting of you from memory.
Daria: What's with this stupid set-up, anyway?
Jane: We're introducing our Season Two opener, "Arts 'N Crass." The one about the painting.
Daria: Was it a nude painting?
Daria: Was it a painting of me?
Daria: Then what the Hell am I doing standing here getting frostbite?
Jane: Well, ratings have been down a bit, and we had a meeting and thought, you know, spice up the show a little!
Daria: Meeting? Where was I?
Jane: Roll tape!
[Church. Daria is wearing a wedding dress while Jane wears a tux and is holding a wedding ring.]
Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.
Daria: Hmm. This is not exactly how I pictured my wedding.
Jane: You? I thought at my wedding I'd at least get to be the bride.
Daria: Stop complaining. They threw you a bachelor party, didn't they?
Jane: True. Anyway, our next offering is "I Don't," wherein Daria here attends the nuptuals of her cousin Erin.
Daria: It was a fairy tale wedding. Unfortunately, no one was eaten by the Big Bad Wolf.
Jane: If anyone here knows a reason why this episode should not be aired, speak now or forever hold your peace. (bt) Okey-doke! Let's go.
Daria: You rented the Rolls to take us to the reception, right?
Jane: Yes, Dear.
[Piercing/tattoo parlor. Daria and Jane are covered in piercings and tattoos, and are dressed in typical grunge attire.]
Daria: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000, where those who forget the past are doomed to watch repeats of it.
Jane: Not repeats. Encore performances.
Daria: Very special encore performances. And this time, it's personal.
Jane: Oh, looky, next up is "Pierce Me," where Daria gets to spend some quality with my brother, Trent.
Daria: Who taught me how to set myself apart from the herd by punching holes in my skin like everyone else.
Jane: Hey, whatever happened to your very special feelings for Trent?
Daria: Like tattoos, those feelings were painful to acquire and sure to embarrass me in my old age.
Jane: (grins) Tattoos are permanent, Daria.
Daria: Oh, please.
[Old-fashioned backstage dressing room. Daria is in a bright blue suit with a matching top hat. Jane is dressed as a typical showgirl, complete with large feather head-piece and gaudy jewelry.]
Daria: We're in the final stretch of Sarcastathon 3000, also known as look back in irritation.
Jane: It's time for "Daria!" the musical, and I'm 'a gettin' the urge to hoof.
Daria: Jane, you know we can't dance. That would require animation.
Jane: God, they're so cheap here, it's a wonder they're letting us move our lips.
Daria: (lips not moving) Don't give them any ideas.
IT HAPPENED ONE NUT:
[The mall. Daria and Jane are dressed as giant peanuts. They're each holding a small container of nuts.]
Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000, where we're feeling kind of...nutty!
Daria: Our next episode is "It Happened One Nut." Hence the incredibly humiliating get-ups.
Jane: Oh, come on Daria. Where's your usual dry-roasted sense of humor?
Daria: If you make some dumbass remark about coming out of my shell, I'm walking.
Jane: Hey, don't get all worked up. I'm in this thing, too.
Daria: I guess that's true. (bt) What?
Jane: Almond this thing too.
Daria: Could someone get my agent on the phone?
DARIA DANCE PARTY:
[Fancy ballroom. Daria is dressed in a top hat and tails, while Jane is wearing a ball gown and holding a fan. She looks like she's in pain. *note* Some of the dialog is missing, due to technical difficulties that occurred when this sketch aired.]
Daria: Journey into the past... (missing dialog) ...Jane, how shall we introduce our next episode?
Jane: Can't talk. 18-inch waist.
Daria: In this show, "Daria Dance Party," Jane and I actually attend a social function.
Jane: Losing consciousness.
Daria: Don't do that. There's no money in the animation budget for fainting.
Jane: Feeling better. Gaining strength.
Daria: Here's "Daria Dance Party."
THE LAWNDALE FILE:
[An alien planet with Earth visible in the background. Daria and Jane are dressed as aliens and are both weilding ray guns.]
Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.
Daria: People of earth, prepare to bow down before our invincible irony and sarcasm.
Jane: Surrender your pizza or face the unstoppable onslaught of our trenchant wit. Nah, just kidding. We come in peace.
Daria: Speak for yourself.
Jane: This next show is "The Lawndale Files," and it's a frightful tail of suspicion and paranoia.
Daria: So if, like me, your biggest regret is being born too late for the Nixon years, here's the next best thing.
Daria: For tomorrow, you become our slaves.
[Long stretch of road and open country, complete with cactus and tumbleweed. Jane and Daria are dressed in western wear, complete with chaps, cowboy hats, and bandanas.]
Daria: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.
Jane: Howdy, pardners. Lay out your bedroll and rustle up some grub, 'cuz we got some crazy goin's on a' comin' at ya faster than a doggie runnin' from the red hot brandin' iron.
Daria: Have you gone completely mad?
Jane: Come on, Daria. Get on the western tip.
Daria: Umm...I've got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle?
Jane: No, no, no. Watch me. Next up is "Speedtrapped," where yours truly, Calamity Jane Lane, saddles up for adventure in cowboy country and ends up lassoin' m'self a mighty heap full o' trouble. (bt) Alrighty. (bt) You betcha. (bt) Yippee-i-o-
I LOATHE A PARADE:
[A large parade float on the street. Daria is dressed in a blue and yellow band uniform and is holding a tuba. Jane is dressed in a drum major outfit and is carrying a baton.]
Jane: Strike up the band and shout "Hip Hooray!" Sarcastathon 3000 continues.
Daria: I asked for a piccolo.
Jane: This next episode is "I Loathe a Parade," and although I don't want to give anything away, let's just say it explores issues of loyalty and trust. (bt, glance at Daria) I told you, I'm over it.
Daria: Then can you put that baton down, please?
OF HUMAN BONDING:
[The bedroom of an anonymous house. There is a sleeping bag on the floor. Daria is wearing, clutching a pillow. Jane is wearing a short nightgown and is carrying a bowl of popcorn.]
Jane: Don't touch that cable remote. It's Sarcastathon 3000.
Daria: How's that popcorn?
Jane: Beats me. I'm stuck in this idiotic slumber party pose while you explain how it relates to the upcoming episode.
Daria: Well, let's see, in "Of Human Bonding," I grow a little closer to my father as a direct result of avoiding my sister.
Jane: What the Hell does that have to do with me in a nighty?
Daria: Is that real butter?
Jane: We aren't even real people.
GROPED BY AN ANGEL:
[The gates of Heaven. Jane and Daria are, of course, dressed as angels. White robes, halos, harps...the whole nine yards.]
Jane: There's more of Sarcastathon 3000 on the horizon.
Daria: Pray tell, what's next?
Jane: It's time to get "Groped by an Angel," our exploration of the mystical side of life.
Daria: Here I grapple with challenges to my skeptical world view.
Jane: So, what are you? True believer? Athiest? Agnostic?
Daria: Let's just say I'm not sure I'd want to join any religion that would have me as a member.
Dye! Dye! My Darling!:
[Hair salon. Jane has spikey orange hair and Daria has bright pink hair.]
Jane: Wow! We've made it to the last episode in our Sarcastathon 3000 marathon.
Daria: I think my brain is fried.
Jane: That's from the double processed color.
Daria: Speaking of which, here's the final episode of our fourth season, "Dye! Dye! My Darling!" where you could say that things come to a head between Jane and me.
Jane: But we've worked it out, and now I'm once again friends with this (hair dryer noises) to my left.
Daria: Righty-o, you (hair dryer noises).
[The exterior of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane look like they've been through Hell. Their faces are dirty, clothes are wrinkled and hair is dishevelled.]
Jane: We've come to the end of Sarcastathon 3000, and I for one am quite glad we're back to normal.
Jane: And now, believe it or not, something you haven't seen before. A season premiere, as it were.
Daria: Coming right up, the first episode of "Daria" season five, "Fizz Ed," another deep, deep saga in the "Daria" tradition you've come to cherish.
Jane: A story of right and wrong. Good and evil. The profound and fundamental moral issues of life.
Daria: Because my friends, we are nothing if not deep. (bt) I'm pretty sure my boots are on the wrong feet.
Jane: Do you think I should change my look?